Japan Sex Secrets Revealed

A virus that infected a Tokyo police officer's computer has given thousands of others a clue as to the origin of their...er...sexual viruses.

Gang-Green: Environmentally Friendly Street Gangs in Japan

Mother nature iced over the streets in Japan's northern island of Hokkaido, rendering motorbikes useless. But one semi-dangerous gang has taken up pedestrian roaming year round, because it's better for the environment.

Another benefit is improved youth recruitment rates, those who would otherwise be too young to bike. On foot, the gang can also more easily access a town festival and wreak havoc.

But still...really...the true reason they're on foot is for the environment.

Horse Sushi, Anyone?

A metaphor for the dining experience might include something about a Japanese fishermen reeling the day's catch only to find antlers and then - what!? A whole deer!!!.

Perhaps not. In any case, sushi restaurants in Tokyo have begun serving deer meat, and the possibly even more scrumptious horse sushi in response to a worldwide tuna shortage.

Vibrating Condom a Great Idea, But...

In response to Indians' lack of condom usage because it ain't no fun, the Crezendo condom has marketed its product with a vibrating ring, but the government is fighting back.

"Too fun!" conservative Hindus are crying out. Jeez, just wait'll Japanese sex toys make it into India.

Japan Has Oldest Man

At 111 years old, the world's oldest man made sure to make it official, much to the chagrin of his close competitor standing behind and to the left, who certainly thought victory was his.

Golden Bathtub Goes Missing in Tokyo

I'm not above packing away a few towels or a nice piece of framed artwork, especially if I think the hotel was overpriced or the room service sucked.

But this guy took it to a whole new level by ripping off a 187 pound solid gold bathtub from the hotel he visited.

Considering the loss is close to a million dollars, hotel staff have already made a note-to-self about bolting golden bathtubs to the ground from now on.

Japanese Techies Invent Robot Vagina

While the South Africans have been busy building a better cock trap, the Japanese have devoted themselves to building a better pussy. Called the Deep Throat, it does everything you wished your girlfriend would do but stick a finger up your ass. But I'm sure that accessory must be in the works.

Indeed, if the claims made about it are correct, the Japanese company TENGA has developed one of the world's most technologically sophisticated personal pleasure devices for Men. Would you stick your dick into this?

Described as "a 'deep' sucking sensation made possible by special structure", the shaft is packed with enticing features every step of the way. Near the base of the shaft -- where a special lubricant reservoir maintains a permanent "wet state" -- the interior walls of this device boast "silky ripples for a smooth, tightening sensation". Just up from that are "grainy ripples for irresistible stimuli and tightening sensation" and at the tip of the device the penis will find "combination of large and small nubs to generate complex stimuli".

Complex, tightening, silky sensations. Hmmm, as long as they're building the ultimate blow job, any chance it could come with a head of hair for yanking?

Scandel-Ridden Japan Official Commits Hari-Kari

After seeing no way out of the scandal he'd enmeshed himself in, Japan's Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries Minister hung himself. Apparently, soothing words about the birds and the bees weren't enough to bring him out of it. You'll be missed, Mr. Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries Minister.

Japanese Suck Out Stress in Lollipop Shops

Targeting stressed out urban office workers, a series of 1960's style candy shops have opened up in Japan, offering an ambiance of childlike innocence and wonder. The stores are actually designed more like cafes serving beer, but the main item on their menus is candy, candy, candy.

Japanese Geeks Give War Secrets for Sex

Japanese geeks are typically the most inexperienced with women. They're also loaded with juicy technological war secrets. That's why China has been striking gold by sending voluptuous Chinese spies to the desolate military bases in Japan.

And some of these are US War Secrets.

When the scandal broke, Japan was so embarrassed that it even prosecuted the Chinese spies on immigration charges, as part of a massive cover-up attempt. But the US did find out, and it's possible this got in the way of an F-22 deal. Oops.

Audacious Rapist on Japanese Trains Caught

Something about the gently rocking roll of the commuter train, the thrill of wind in the hair and the open countryside, or the fact that there are typically about 40 potential witnesses to repeated rapes has made sexual attacks particularly exciting for Japan's Thunderbird Rapist, "bold as a runaway train" as the heroics-inclined local media likes to depict this misunderstood cowboy. The Law, however, has finally caught up with him.

I Just Didn't Do It

Confessions have become such a fundamental part of cracking the case in Japan's provincial courts that police get antsy when their detainees don't confess. Especially if they're innocent. It just seems to take forever these days.

The people arrested, on the other hand, are seeming to have a hard time being interrogated for 15 hours straight, on a daily basis. Even when they claim not to have participated in a votes for beer scheme they were accused of, many people arrested were subject to extensive interrogation until they ultimately broke down. One woman was forced to yell her confessions out the window, one man had to stomp on names of his family members. Another even attempted suicide by jumping into a river. It's even the subject of a new Japanese movie, "I Just Didn't Do It".

Despite this propaganda, however, I'm sure they did do it. They're free to tell me anytime, I'll be waiting in the next room.

Piece of the Action

Not only did Japan sexually enslave thousands of women for the Japanese military during World War II, but the conquering United States got a piece of the action. Suffice it to say shutting down the brothels wasn't exactly a top priority for US troops.

Japanese Magicians Sue after Tricks Revealed on Television

Proprietary trade secrets -- such as pulling a rabbit out of a hat, guessing the the card you picked out of the deck, and making a coin appear from the ear of a brave young volunteer from the crowd -- have been callously revealed on Asian TV, just to bump ratings and turn a buck, while potentially sending hundreds of Japanese magicians into financial ruin, magicians so powerful that they depend on these trade secrets to sustain themselves.

The not-so-magic class action lawsuit seeks a whopping...$16,000? To be divided among 49 magicians? Quite a value theyr'e placing on those killer tricks of the trade. Good luck guys!

Japanese Homeless Find Shelter in Internet Cafés

Lost your job, apartment, and can't find a steady job? Hotel too expensive? Why not shack up at an Internet Café? That's what a growing number of listless, unemployed young people are doing in Japan. With all-night Internet access, a cozy chair to doze off in -- not to mention a small shower and even an internet oven, well, one could get used to this!

Permanent Effects of April Fool's Day in Japan

In a tragic outcome to an over-the-top April Fool's Day joke, a Japanese man has decided to divorce his wife. The decision comes after he arrived home on April 1st to find a dark object swaying from the ceiling. He turned on the light to find his wife hanging.

As the first symptoms of shock set in, his wife dropped down from her hanging position, yelled "April Fools!", threw her head back and laughed violently.

We can only assume it was a happy marriage, so...what a way to end a happy marriage!!!

Japanese Musicians Break Record Despite Earthquake

Beating out their Canadian rivals of a few years past, a group of Japanese musicians have set the Guiness world record for the longest concert ever: 184 hours, played non-stop at a train station. When a 6.9 earthquake hit Northern Japan, the pianist didn't stop -- even a 2 minute pause would have disqualified the enter concert. So the show went on, and the Japanese now hold the world record. For the longest concert. Hooray.